Topic Originator: dave67
Date: Sat 21 Dec 14:45
What do you call a hippie's wife? A Mississippi!
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!
I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
Where did the computer go dancing? The disc-o!
What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!
What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff!
What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!
I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!
What do you call a dangerous sun shower? A rain of terror!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they've bagels!
What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes? Corny!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What streets to ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!
What kind of dogs love car racing? Lap dogs!
What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent? "Show me the honey!"
What do you call birds who stick together? Vel-crows.
Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.
What do you call it when one cow spies on another? A steak out!
What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad!
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but its flag is a big plus!
My favorite word is "drool." It just rolls off the tongue.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? "Graaaaaaaains!"
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.
Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? "Oh sheet!"
I like to spend every day as if it's my last. Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? 'Cause the cow's got the udder!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion!
It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad. It's a faux pa.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? "Robin, get in the car."
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it's only mild.
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!
as sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What's red and shaped like a bucket?A blue bucket painted red.
What don't ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.
What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssshh.
Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
When is your door not actually a door? When it's actually ajar.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What's green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree? A pool table.
A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone gets it.
What did one dish say to the other? Dinner is on me!
What does a house wear? Address!
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?Artificial Swedener.
Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil.
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear!
I'm thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it's only holding me back.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
I'm terrified of elevators so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes? Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet.
What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.
What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?"Oops!"
I watched hockey before it was cool. They were basically swimming.
There's no hole in your shoe? Then how'd you get your foot in it?
A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property. But when he rounded them up, he had 50.
When the two rabbit ears got married, it was a nice ceremony. But the reception was amazing.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was too tired.
A chicken coup only has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Three fish are in a tank. One asks the others, "How do you drive this thing?"
Why don't crabs donate? Because they're shellfish.
What did Blackbird say when he turned eighty?"Aye, matey."
How does your feline shop? By reading a catalogue.
It's hard to teach kleptomaniacs humor. They take things so literally.
Sunny-side up, scrambled, or an omelet? It doesn't matter. They're all eggcellent.
Don't worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out.
Ever tried to eat a clock? It's time-consuming.
Who can jump higher than a house? Pretty much anyone. (Houses can't jump.)
What do an apple and an orange have in common? Neither one can drive.
Why did the businessman invest in Smith & Wollensky? He wanted to stake his claim.
Five guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would've seen it.
What do you call a door when it's not a door? Ajar.
This sweet ride has four wheels and flies. It's a garbage truck.
How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Tenants.
I want to go camping every year. That trip was so in tents.
Wait, you don't want to hear a joke about potassium?K.
How do you organize a space-themed hurrah? You planet.
Your ex. That's the punchline.
How do you feel when there's no coffee? Depresso.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me?"Stay out of those places!"
What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.
Where did the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? Dogerpillers.
What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? "It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!"
What's the award for being best dentist? A little plaque.
What did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.
What do you call a magician dog? A labracadabrador.
What concert costs only 45 cents?50 Cent plus Nickelback.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
Who invented the round table? Sir Cumference.
What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the galaxy.
There are three types of people in the world. Those of us who are good at math, and those of us who aren't.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!
Why do ghosts love elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.
What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
How can you make seven an even number? Just take away the "s!"
What did the lawyer wear to court? A lawsuit!
What do you call HIJKLMNO?H20!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints!
What is Forrest Gump's computer password?1forrest1
What did the clock do when it was hungry?It went back four seconds.
What do you call a dog with no legs? You can call him whatever you want, he's still not coming.
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?"
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
Why did the man get fired from his job at the calendar factory? He took a couple days off!
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he always gets a hole in one!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he eventually woke up!
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? Well, now, all of them.
Why did the teacher love the whiteboard? She just thought it was remarkable!
A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."So I replied, "No it doesn't."
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European!
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus!
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.
I'm not a big fan of stairs. They're always up to something.
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back? A stick.
What to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
When is a joke a dad joke? When it's apparent!
Happy Christmas everyone