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 Old Jokes
Topic Originator: donj  
Date:   Tue 31 Mar 19:57

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."

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Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling club.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?'

'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'



Bob's funeral will be on Friday



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


With a very seductive voice the wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied...
"Go look in the garage."



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Scotsman appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", Saint Peter asked

"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.

"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the $%#* out of all of you!' "

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."


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A member of the Asian community is driving a Transit van down the M6 when a police patrol car pulls him over. The cop says "Do you realise the limit is 70?". Driver looks over his shoulder into the back of the van and says, "You heard the officer, four of you will have to get out!".


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This is priceless - sometimes it DOES take rocket science!!

British scientists at Rolls Royce built a special gun to launch dead chickens at the windshields
of airliners and military jets travelling at maximum speed. The idea was to simulate the planes
frequent collisions with large birds and to test the strength of their windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and wanted to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed
trains, so a gun was sent to the States. When the gun was fired, the engineers were shocked to see a chicken
fly out of the barrel, crash into the shatterproof windshield of the train, smash it to smithereens then blast
through the control console, snap the engineer's back-rest in two and embed itself in the back wall of the cabin
like a bolt fired from a crossbow.

The horrified American engineers sent Rolls Royce the results of their experiment, along with the design of their
windshield, and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo.
"Defrost chicken."
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 Re: Old Jokes
Topic Originator: Buspasspar  
Date:   Wed 1 Apr 09:12

Loved the Scotsman one donj :)
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